“I’m thinking it over. Can I call you back?”

Hey, folks. Devil here. I’ve got a deal for you.

I’ve got a billion dollars burning a hole in my pocket. Happens every day. I’m like that guy on Brewster’s Millions; I’ve gotta use it or lose it. The trouble is…I run out of ways to spend it. Oh, sure, I could spread it around and do some good with it—

But that’s not my style. I think you know that.

No, my style is a bit more flamboyant these days. Spend it all in one place, that’s me! If I can find the right person, I can make dreams come true for everyone! (Including me.)

So…here’s the situation: there’s a billion dollars to be made today by someone—maybe you—if the price is right. The only question is, “What would you be willing to do for a billion dollars?”
Come on, people, let’s get creative here. I haven’t got all day. (Okay, I do, but why put it off, right?) What’ll it be? Sell your soul? Ha! I’m kidding, we don’t really do that anymore—at least, not up front.

Let’s try something a little more subtle. Would you…embezzle from your own company? Maybe. Cheat on your spouse? I know some people who would, but I should have known you wouldn’t do anything like that. You’re too devoted and faithful to fall for that one, right? Hey—

—would you kill someone?

Maybe not.

Would you…sell drugs to kids? (I’m just tossing ideas out here, people.) Sell a false passport to a terrorist? Make a few species of animals and plants extinct? (There’s too many of them anyway. Am I right?)

Still ‘no,’ huh?

How about putting your name on a CD that’s so foul-mouthed and filthy most stores wouldn’t sell it? Just your name, that’s all—maybe your picture, too. How about this: in exchange for a billion dollars, I’ll make you into a pop superstar, and all you have to do is live an immoral lifestyle and promote drugs and sex among teenagers and small children? (They’re gonna learn it somewhere, right?) Interested?

Wow! I can see you’re a tough case. (Obi Wan has trained you well.)

Okay, here’s my final offer: I’ll give you a billion dollars if you promise me that the money will drive a wedge between you and your family, alienating you from them forever, and if you further promise to do nothing with the money that will bring anyone happiness but yourself. (It’s yours after all—why waste it?)

You ought to live the easy life after the years of sweat and toil you’ve endured. Buy a big house on an enormous piece of land, hire a full-time staff, fill the garage—no, the garages—with foreign cars, cram every inch of the house with the latest modern conveniences, hire guards to protect it all, build a huge underground bomb shelter with a lifetime supply of everything, and then lock yourself up in that womb of pampering and indulgence for the rest of your days. You’re rich—and you’re free! At last!

No? Hmm, that one always works.

Well, I just don’t understand you. Don’t you need a billion dollars? Don’t you even want it? It’s right here for the taking!

Believe me when I tell you that if you don’t take the money then someone else will. I’ve got them lined up around the block already, waiting to make a deal. I just thought I’d offer it to you first—after all, you deserve it more. These other people—they all have shady secrets in their pasts, evil deeds they did when they thought no one was looking. They’re despicable. Any one of them would jump at this money—in fact, they’d run out on the highway for it! (Hmm, maybe I’ll try that next.) That is, if you don’t want it.

Okay, you drive a hard bargain.

I’ll give you the billion dollars, and you can give it away to other people—whoever you want, friends, family, charity, church—and all you have to do is accept one of my other offers. What do you want to do: kill someone, corrupt some kids, ruin some lives?

It’s hardly an indecent proposal; look at how forgiving the public is these days! You could be a complete and total jerk to everyone you know for years, and all it would take to get back in their good graces is a few well-placed dollars and a photo op with some foreign children. (Trust me.)

Hey, how about this: you could take the money and bequeath it all to your family, and all you have to do is agree to never see them again. Ever. And I mean NEVER. Now, I don’t think you can afford to pass that one up. Do you realize what this money would mean to them? We’re talking about financial security for your loved ones—in a crazy world like this, where anything could happen, they’ll thank you for making this deal. Or, at least, they would if they ever spoke to you again—of course, that would be strictly against the rules.

Well NOW I think you’re just being selfish. So many people could benefit from your benevolence—but you’re withholding those blessings from them. You have the power to do so much good, and for the price of so little evil—evil, I might add, which already exists in the world anyway. Who would blame you for giving in just a little?

Come on! I get people to do these things all the time—and for a lot less than a billion dollars, pal! You’re really getting on my nerves with all this “holier than thou” shtick. Haven’t you ever heard of feeding the hungry? Bringing aid to the sick and the afflicted? Don’t you want to be a part of that? I could make it so easy for you.

All you have to do is sign on the dotted line.

Tell you what: you think it over. I’ll be back—maybe. But maybe tomorrow I can think of what to do with a billion dollars all by myself. And if I can’t, I’m sure I can find someone who’s an easier sell than you.

Come on, buddy, this is your last chance: what’s it gonna be?