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Thursday, March 30, 2006

Chocolate Milk...Sweet, Sweet Chocolate Milk

You can’t know me without knowing how much I love chocolate milk. I love milk on its own in a whole different way, but chocolate milk…just matters to me, somehow. It’s almost a religious devotion for me—which is blasphemy, I'm sure—and it probably means that I am psychologically dependent on it, but I don't care! I swear that I LOVE chocolate milk!

I like chocolate. M&Ms, kisses, chocolate chips—they’re great, don’t get me wrong.

But I LOVE chocolate milk. (I am going somewhere with this.)

I have tried many different kinds; I have experimented with different food-and-chocolate-milk combinations; and I have scientifically proportioned the amount of chocolate syrup to milk in each of the types of glasses in my home so that when I pick a glass I pour the perfect amount of milk and squeeze the perfect amount of chocolate syrup to create the perfect glass of sweet chocolate milk every time.

By the way, always spring for the real deal: Hershey’s, not store brand. Try as they might, stores make an inferior product. And unless you are five years old, it’s time to graduate from Nestle Quik, honey. Those of you out there who scoff and say that Hershey’s ruined chocolate for Americans can die a horrible death and rot. You…know…nothing. I’m not going to get on a rant about European chocolate, because that’s not what I started talking about.

Ready for the clincher, the point, the thrust of this article?

If I gave up chocolate milk, I would lose thirty pounds. Think about that. All I would have to do is drink a glass of water every time I normally drink a glass of chocolate milk. Tells you how often I imbibe, doesn’t it?

Try picking up a thirty-pound weight, or strapping it around your waist, and carrying it around with you all the time. I think you would tire of it long before you became accustomed to it. It is thirty pounds! It’s like being pregnant with twins! Imagine that this thirty pounds is the price now for whatever activity you really enjoy. If you put it down, that’s it: no more books, or no more internet, or no more video gaming. There is not much that you do on a daily basis which is so important to you that you would be willing to carry that thirty-pound weight with you ALL THE TIME, even when you are not actually engaged in your chosen activity.

Yet that is what I have chosen to do. I will not (WILL NOT) lose the weight—which I carry twenty-four hours a day—because I choose to engage in a few minutes of chocolate milk consumption each day. A little in the morning, a little in the evening. (Okay a lot in the morning, a little in the evening.)

I challenge anyone to try it! Take something that you really enjoy, and try giving it up completely (cold turkey) for an extended stretch; and every time you indulge, you have to take up the weight again. No fair sneaking a bit here or there and telling yourself it doesn’t count, ladies! Try swearing off the internet for a week, if that’s your thing. Place a canvas bag next to the computer, full of dumbbells. If you so much as log on, you have to carry the dumbbells for the rest of the week! You’ll either stay off the computer,…or you’ll cheat.

I have analyzed it six ways from Sunday (mmm…chocolate sundae), and I have arrived at the conclusion that I. Will. Never. Be. Thin. Again. I will never be thin again. And why? Because I love chocolate milk more than I love being thin.

This is not a “Feel Great While Looking Fat” article. I don’t feel great about being thirty pounds overweight. It’s tiresome and embarrassing.

This isn’t a “Conquer Your Inner Demons” essay either. I don’t expect anyone out there to believe I am on the verge of quitting chocolate milk anytime soon. Creamery coupons welcome and appreciated, people! I also accept bouquets and baskets of Hershey's syrup, bottles of creamery chocolate milk, and anything else chocolate-milk-y you can find! (My birthday is in February, but don't stand on convention!)

Consider this more of a “Know Thyself” column. I have come to terms with the fact that I have forever sacrificed the skinny guy I once was for the mini-van model I’m sporting nowadays—all for the love of chocolate milk. And I have no regrets.

I’m tempting fate now by revealing this weakness! I know it! If this were a gripping movie, chocolate milk would kill my brother or my wife somehow, and I would hunt down every last drop of it to destroy it, once and for all! I would wear some ironic symbol, and I'd pass people in malt shops sipping away at chocolate milk...and I'd give them "the stare of justice"...right before bombing the place back to the stone age!

If this were a comic book, chocolate milk would somehow cause my downfall! I’d be caught, crippled by those extra pounds, in a trap so diabolical that the readers would light up the interweb with fan-fictions! T-shirts would sport both pro-chocolate milk and anti-chocolate milk slogans! Chocolate milk villains would fight bottled-water-superheroes in online role-playing games! "H2O powers--soak 'em!" "CACAO POW!"

If this were a television event, I would discover that I was lactose intolerant or diabetic or a (gasp!) CHOCOHOLIC! There would be an intervention, and the end of the movie would feature a painfully slow shot of me walking past the display of chocolate milk at the grocery store. A single tear would make its way down my face. I’d win an Emmy or something, and I’d end my acceptance speech with the poignant words, “Chocolate milk-free for one year as of today.” The stars of Hollywood would leap to their feet, applauding, little brown-and-white striped ribbons on their lapels in support of Chocolate Milk Addiction Awareness.

Whew! Thank goodness this is real life. I gotta go. There’s a fridge calling me.

It’s saying, “You're thirsty.”


Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:24 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Revealing this weakness? Anyone who sees you walk around work with that brown mustache knows you've revealed this weakness long before now my friend!


12:55 PM

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